The Tangled Webs We Weave
by PinkSparkle02
Summary: Could it be Marsan, could it be Carsan? I haven't decided yet. Susan is angry at Mark, and falling for Carter. I've chosen to leave this fic where it is, I think the last couple of lines are all it needs.
1. Default Chapter

The Tangled Webs We Weave:  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters on ER if I did I would be extremely rich.. Which I'm not. There is also language that some people may find offensive.  
  
Set in a random place in time, probably between season 6 and now. Elizabeth and a few other characters do not exist in this story, so that is why they won't appear.  
  
Chapter 1: That's what friends are for.  
  
As the sun shone through the clouds on a warm spring morning, Doctors Lewis and Carter were caught up in the masses of patients that swamped the ER.  
  
"Why are we always working when the weather turns good?" Carter asked  
  
"Must be written in the contract.. Thou shalt work when normal people are having fun." Susan replied with a laugh  
  
"Yeah I guess so." Carter answered as he and Susan made their way along the corridors of the ER. They were merely indulging in the ritual of moaning about the job. It had become tradition to find the happiest member of staff and then seek to make them as miserable as the rest.  
  
Susan had been caught this way many times. She would always start the day with a smile on her face, but after just an hour it would drop. She did manage to go one day without anyone bringing her down though, and that was the day her and Carter finally got together. Everyone was trying to dampen her mood but no-one could get through.  
  
As Susan and Carter continued their conversation they saw Kerry approaching,  
  
"Have you two not noticed all the patients?" Kerry asked sternly  
  
"Yeah Kerry, we're on it. We already have 12 patients each. We're both just on our way back from radiology." Susan answered  
  
"Well here's another 3 each." Kerry replied, ignoring the comment about radiology, as she dumped the charts on Carter and Susan  
  
Just then Mark Greene walked past, and as he did Susan froze. Her and Mark had, had a major disagreement a few days ago. Usually they resolved their disputes quickly, but this was different. Mark was not only and angry man this time, he was a jealous man too.  
  
He was jealous because Susan was with Carter. It had only been a few weeks but it was going well.  
  
Although outwardly Mark showed all the signs of a jealous man, inside he was torn apart.  
  
Him and Susan knew how they felt about one another, but there was one problem... They never told each other.  
  
They loved each other, but they're chance had passed. However, they had still managed to remain friends, the chemistry was still there. Until a few days ago.  
  
*FLASHBACK TO ARGUMENT*  
  
Susan and Mark in the Doctors Lounge  
  
"What the hell are you playing at?!" Susan yelled  
  
"Me?!" Mark shouted back  
  
"You humiliate me in front of a patient, then laugh about it with a desk clerk, and you expect me not to be pissed off? You're a clueless son of a bitch!" Susan screamed  
  
"Whatever, I don't even care right now. Oh and thanks for telling me that you're screwing Carter!" Mark said viciously  
  
"What the fuck?! Why should I tell you who I am or am not sleeping with? And by the way we're not screwing, as you so delightfully put it." Susan answered smartly  
  
"Not yet." Mark muttered under his breath  
  
"Fuck you." Susan called back as she stormed out of the lounge.  
  
As they parted they both recoiled in horror at what had been said.  
  
Susan and Mark sometimes argued but they never swore at each other. This was serious.  
  
*PRESENT TIME*  
  
Now every time Mark and Susan saw each other it stung. Both wanted to say sorry but both were so hurt by what had been said that neither of them could bring themselves to do it.  
  
They didn't let is affect their work, but everyone could sense the tension between to two of them. They were usually so close knit. They would consult each other on everything, share lunch, get each other coffee's and organise staff birthday parties together. No of that happened now. The atmosphere was heavy, it seemed as if everyone was waiting for round 2.  
  
It was worse for Mark. He had no-one to talk to. It used to be Susan, but not now. All those years of friendship was so close to being completely obliterated by a petty argument, and some impulsive, stupid words.  
  
He didn't want to talk to Carter, simply because he didn't want to make him feel like piggy in the middle. That wouldn't be fair. It's not Carters fault he fell in love with Susan. She's irresistible.  
  
Every time Mark saw Susan kiss Carter it was like being stabbed a thousand times. He knew he still loved her. He couldn't help it.  
  
He loved her more than words, and he sensed she felt something too. Well he thought she used to anyway. Now he didn't know.  
  
He knew that the longer she stayed with Carter, the more likely she was to fall in love with him and utter those immortal words, that he so wanted to say to her.  
  
After all, look at what Carter could give her. It was everything a girl could every want. Money, status, a big house, swimming pool, no need to worry about debts.  
  
He also wasn't someone's reject like Mark was. Jen didn't want Mark and he had been married to her for 10 years before they split. Why the hell would Susan want him?  
  
He knew Susan wasn't as shallow to only be with Carter for the wealth. She obviously felt something for him. To think of that hurt Mark even more.  
  
It wasn't like Mark disapproved. He liked Carter, he was his friend, but something just didn't seem right. He couldn't help thinking that he should be with Susan instead.  
  
Mark knew if he wanted Susan as part of his life he had to say sorry.  
  
He had to find a way, some how, to make her realise how sorry he was. He knew she was sorry too. They had known each other so long, he could sense it. He even caught her giving him sad looks when she thought he wasn't looking.  
  
They couldn't continue like this. Mark couldn't anyway. He was verging on the edge of depression. He had lost his best friend, he daughter was hundreds of miles away and his ex wife had married someone else.  
  
He felt like he was all alone in this world. He signed out that night and headed for the lounge, where he found Carter enjoying the basketball that was on TV.  
  
"Hey, you off home?" Carter said from the couch  
  
"I guess so." Mark replied  
  
"You ok? She is sorry you know." Carter said  
  
"Yeah, then why hasn't she said anything. She's a big girl now, she shouldn't make you her messenger." Mark answered  
  
"I'm not. But I can see how this is tearing you both apart. You need each other, the ER needs you both. You were such good friends before this." Carter commented  
  
"And now we're not. It's not affecting our work, so let's just leave it yeah?" Mark began to shout  
  
"Ok, ok. I'm telling her the same you know. But I have to let it go with her because she gets angry, then she starts to cry." Carter wondered if that would soften Mark  
  
When Carter told Mark that Susan cries, Mark felt like crying too. He hated to think he was the reason for Susan's misery, even though he knew he was.  
  
She was right, he had humiliated her in front of a patient. He had made fun of the way she put her IV in, even though she had done it a thousand times before.  
  
He had quipped to the patient that they were sending her back to med school as she didn't learn much the first time.  
  
As soon as he said it he could see the pain in her eyes. Why the hell did he have to make it worse by telling Jerry about it. He had screwed up big time.  
  
Mark made his way home slowly that night. He had a lot to think about. Susan was not going to forgive him without making him really earn it.  
  
He knew she may say some bad things, and guilt trip him for a while, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to get angry at her again. He was just going to let her vent, all her anger, frustration and hurt.  
  
"After all that's what friends are for. If we can ever get back to that." Mark thought quietly as he wandered up the steps to his apartment. 


	2. Feeling Lonely

Chapter 2: Feeling lonely  
  
Disclaimer: This chapter contains some sexual content, that may not be suitable for some readers.  
  
Mark checked the schedules for the next week to see when he could go and see Susan. He wanted to make sure Carter wouldn't be there when he went round. It took some doing but Mark managed to change his day off so that he was free on the same night as Susan.  
  
Carter would be working until midnight, he knew that this was his chance, even if he did have to wait a couple more days.  
  
Work was still hard for Susan and Mark. Very few words had been exchanged since that fateful day when they argued. No-one in the ER wanted to take sides but they knew it was Mark who had caused the argument.  
  
He knew it too, that was his whole reason behind him going to see Susan. That and he wanted to tell her just how much he loved her.  
  
"No, that can wait. I want her to know how sorry I am first." Mark thought  
  
Susan and Carter appeared to be getting closer by the day. Everyone would watch as they came in together and left together, they're shift pattern had been the same for the past two weeks. It was only this week that it changed. This would be Mark's week. He was going to get his best friend back, no matter what he had to do.  
  
The next day Mark was off, it was the day he was going to see Susan. Having some free time gave him chance to plan what he was going to say.  
  
Mark knew what he wanted to say but somehow the words wouldn't appear on the paper he had sat in front of him.  
  
"Maybe this is one of the times you go with instinct." Mark thought  
  
It was now 3pm, just four and a half hours before Mark was going to see Susan. She finished at 6, if he got there at 7.30 that would give her an hour and a half to relax before he got there.  
  
He was scared and nervous, but he knew this was something he had to do. He wasn't going to let Susan leave his life. She was too precious to let go and he was going to let her know.  
  
Mark was restless for the rest of the day. He took two showers, and changed clothes three times. He didn't know why. Susan had seen him covered in bloody scrubs, with sweat pouring off him.  
  
At 7 o'clock Mark set off for Susan's apartment. He decided the walk would do him some good. Help him regulate his nervous breathing and calm him down a little bit. He was like a child waiting to see if he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't.  
  
When he arrived he could clearly hear music coming from Susan's apartment. She was definitely home.  
  
Mark took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He hear Susan shout 'COMING!' "This is it." Mark thought  
  
As Susan opened the door her face fell. The last person she expected to see tonight was Mark. But when she saw him standing there, she was kind of glad. Maybe he had come to say sorry.  
  
"Susan, I understand if you shut the door in my face now, but I just want one chance to explain myself." Mark said sheepishly  
  
"I'll give you a chance, but you're explanation better be damn good." Susan said  
  
"I hope it is. I've been working on it for ages." Mark replied  
  
As Susan shut the door behind them she gestured for Mark to take a seat on the couch. She could see he was nervous.  
  
"Ok, let's hear it then." Susan snapped  
  
"Susan, I know you're still angry at me, and you have every right to be. I acted like a complete jerk. I don't know why I did it. I could see the pain in your eyes and I still went and told Jerry about it. That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever done. Then when we argued, instead of saying sorry I hurt you even more. Then last week Carter told me that you would cry when he mentioned it, I knew I had to come and say sorry." Mark finished speaking and looked at Susan.  
  
"You hurt me so much Mark. I never imagined that you of all people could do that to me. If I could have put money on one person never hurting me or making me cry, it would be you. But since that past few weeks I just don't know anymore. Why has it taken you so long to say sorry?" Susan asked  
  
"I don't know. Guess my jerk like behaviour just kinda rolled on. I was miserable without you Susan, I missed you, but I had so many things going round in my head that I wanted to say I just got confused." Mark answered  
  
"What kind of things?" Susan asked  
  
"You don't want to know." Mark said  
  
"Mark if we're going to be friends again, we've got to try and make it like it used to be. You know, being honest with each other, talking, laughing. I missed that too." Susan answered  
  
"Ok." Mark said as he took another deep breath.  
  
"It took me so long to come and see you because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to hide my jealousy. I didn't want you to see it and get angry at me again. I just couldn't bear that." Mark replied  
  
"Jealous? Why?" Susan asked  
  
"Because I love you. I have done for so long, but there was never a right time to tell you." Mark said as he raised his hand to Susan's face and went to kiss her.  
  
She quickly pulled away.  
  
"Mark that's a lot to take in." Susan said  
  
"I know. But Susan please I love you." Mark said as he went to kiss her again  
  
"Mark please, no! I'm in love with Carter." Susan knew that wasn't true, she had said it out of spite, and now she could see that pain in Mark's eyes that she had, had when he had said those things.  
  
Mark sat back in shock. He couldn't believe what she had said. He'd waited too long to apologise and tell her his true feelings. He'd screwed everything up.  
  
"Guess it's just friends then." Mark said as he got up to leave  
  
"Yeah guess so. But I do want us to be friends. I accept you're apology." Susan said, trying to comfort Mark with something  
  
"That's something I suppose." Mark said as he opened the door to leave.  
  
Susan slumped on the couch as Mark left. A single tear fell down her cheek. She did love Mark, and she wasn't in love with Carter. Now Susan was the one who had screwed up.  
  
Mark walked the streets of Chicago feeling lonely whilst Susan was sat at home feeling lonely too. She could hardly call Carter and say "I've just turned the guy I love away." It just wouldn't sit very well.  
  
Mark went home feeling extremely depressed. He couldn't take any more rejection. It was even happening at work. Kerry had kicked him out of a trauma room, claiming that she was taking over the case.  
  
Mark felt completely unwanted. He couldn't cope any more. He opened the door to his apartment and looked around. Just another night coming back to an empty, dark place all by his self.  
  
Mark went over to the table and picked up a pen and a bit of paper and began to write.  
  
I tell you I love you and you say no, just another night I'm thrust out into the cold. I don't know why you're doing this, I thought you felt the same. I'm not sure how to handle life any more. Everything I ever loved has been taken from me. Maybe it's best if I just give up. Let you all get on with life.  
  
Tell my daughter I love her, but she's been taken too. All I wanted was for her to stay close, but she's so far away. Now I just don't know what to do.  
  
As Mark placed the two photos that meant the most to him, on the table in front of him, he opened a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of whisky. He knew this was the stupidest way to do it, but he didn't feel like throwing himself off of the apartment block onto the concrete below. And besides he might harm someone else by doing this.  
  
Just as Mark took the first aspirin he heard a banging on the door.  
  
"Great, just when I want to be alone, people come and see me." Mark thought  
  
Mark got up slowly opened the door. Before he had time to see who it was, the person had embraced him and was kissing him.  
  
Mark pulled back and looked at the person who had kissed him with such meaning. It was Susan.  
  
"Mark I don't want you to say one word, just let this happen." Susan said as she kissed Mark again  
  
"But Susan." Mark said  
  
"Mark, I've waited so long for this moment. I've missed every opportunity I've ever had to kiss you and show you how I feel. I'm not going to miss this one too." Susan said as she stroked Mark's face again, hoping he'd relent.  
  
He did. Mark allowed Susan to kiss him, with more passion this time. Neither of them never imagined a kiss could feel so right.  
  
As Mark went over to the sofa,Susan followed him. Soon she was lying on top of him on the couch. He was taking her clothes off, she was virtually ripping at his. This was definitely the right time and place. Both Mark and Susan had waited so long for this, that they were going to make it worth the wait.  
  
Susan could certainly feel that Mark wanted this, that made her forget all about Carter. They had only recently slept together but it wasn't this good.  
  
Mark had picked Susan up, she had her legs wrapped around his naked body. They were heading for the bedroom but as they got to the kitchen counter they stopped and looked at each other with a glint in their eyes.  
  
Mark thrust Susan up onto the counter and continued to make her scream with delight. She was certainly enjoying herself. She was making so much noise, he was surprised the neighbours weren't complaining.  
  
Susan flung her arms around Mark's neck and began to kiss her way down his body until she could reach no further. He caressed her body as he once again lifted he up. This time they made it to the bedroom. Mark threw Susan onto the bed but she got up on her knees straight away. He was stood at the end of the bed, awaiting her next move and he wasn't disappointed.  
  
Mark could feel his knees weaken as Susan performed the most fantastic oral sex he had ever had. He wanted to freeze time, but as he felt himself reaching orgasm he stopped Susan and climbed onto the bed.  
  
Their lips met again, and Mark pushed Susan so that she was lying on the bed just staring up at him. She grabbed his arms and pulled him down on top of her where they continued to have sex.  
  
Susan whispered to Mark that she was about to orgasm. Mark smiled and replied, 'Me too'  
  
Afterwards, Susan and Mark laid on the bed trying to regain their breath. It wasn't long before the guilt crept in.  
  
"Mark, what are we going to do?" Susan asked  
  
"About what?" Mark replied  
  
"Carter. I can't deny the fact that I do have feelings for him." Susan said  
  
"I know that, and I understand. I don't expect you to break up with him. I just wanted you to know how much I love you." Mark answered  
  
"I think you got your point across. Mark, I do love you but I've really been enjoying my relationship with John. I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I love him too." Susan said hoping Mark would not be too upset  
  
"Then see us both. Of course I want to be with you, but you need time, and as long as I'm with you some of the time, enjoying what we've just had, I can handle that." Mark replied  
  
Susan turned to smile at Mark. But she didn't see the torment in his eyes, just moments before she arrived he was planning to end it all. Now Susan had come over saying she loved him. Mark was still so confused, not really knowing what to do. He really wanted to be with Susan but he couldn't bear it if she chose Carter. 


	3. Confusion and guilt reign supreme

Chapter 3: Confusion and guilt reign supreme  
  
As time ticked by, Susan remained in Marks' arms, not really knowing what to do. She had just cheated on her boyfriend by having sex with her best friend.  
  
As she got out of bed her eyes met Marks. Something was wrong, but what they had done felt so right.  
  
Susan ran her fingers through her hair and sighed heavily. She had to get back to her apartment seeing as Carter was coming round after his shift finished. How she was going to cope would be interesting.  
  
What she needed now was time not company. She felt like she needed an eternity to sort her head out.  
  
"Where are you going?" Mark asked  
  
"Mark, I have to go. John is coming round to mine when he finishes work. It'll look a bit suspicious if I'm not in at gone midnight." Susan answered  
  
"Yeah I guess you're right. Susan, I thought I'd let you know, I don't regret this." Mark said  
  
"Me neither, but I need some time now to decide what to do." Susan replied  
  
Mark just muttered a quiet "I know." Before Susan got dressed and said goodbye.  
  
"At least she knows how I feel now"  
  
But once again Mark was alone in his apartment. He went back to the table where the aspirin and whisky sat. His mind was a mess. A barren land where confusion and guilt reign supreme.  
  
He had really enjoyed what had happened with Susan, but he had also betrayed a good friend. As Mark gulped the whisky he felt tired. The next thing he was slumped over the table in a state of drunken unconsciousness.  
  
As Susan made her way home she was unaware of the state Mark was in. He was sinking into the depths of depression and no-one knew. There was only one person who could save him and turn his life around... Susan.  
  
It would be a tough decision for Susan to make and right now all she wanted was to be left alone to make it, but in about 15 minutes Carter would be arriving and she would have to fake being happy.  
  
As Susan stared out of her window into another dark Chicago night a light knock came at the door. She contemplated not answering and then saying she had fallen asleep. After all would that be such a terrible lie, it was 12.15am. Normal people were asleep.  
  
Deciding against lying, Susan slowly made her way to the door. As she opened it a smiling Carter greeted her with a kiss. One that made it clear what kind of mood he was in.  
  
However, this mood did not match that of Susan's. She was worn out from her earlier exertions and right now just wanted to curl up in bed.  
  
"What's up? You seem a bit distracted. Is the whole Mark thing still getting you down?" Carter asked sensitively.  
  
"No. Actually he came to apologise tonight. We had a good long talk, went for a walk. In fact I've not long been back." Susan replied  
  
"So are you two ok now? Does this mean the tension at work will disperse?" Carter asked  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." Susan answered as she got up and walked to the kitchen where she poured herself a glass of water.  
  
Carter looked at her. In fact it was almost like he was looking straight through her, like he knew what she had done. Susan loved Carter, she really did. But she knew she wasn't in love with him. The chemistry was there, but it didn't make her stomach flip like it did when she kissed Mark.  
  
"But this could grow into something. How will I know if I throw it away now?" Susan thought  
  
Susan remained in the kitchen, almost lost in her own little world, when Carter came in.  
  
"Do you want me to leave? You seem exhausted." He asked  
  
"No, stay. But do you mind if we just go to bed?" Susan replied  
  
"Sure. I'll just put the wine in the fridge, we can have it some other time." Carter answered  
  
Susan knew Carter was a great guy, but so was Mark. As she lay in bed with Carters' arms around her she let a tear slip down her face.  
  
As the alarm went off at 7.45am, Susan quietly got out of bed and went to have a shower. She felt awful, almost like she was hung over. Her head hurt and her stomach churned.  
  
Over the other side of town Mark was stirring from his unconscious state. He was hung over, severely.  
  
As he reached for his glasses he spotted the aspirin bottle. As he took two of the tablets he recalled the nights events. Had he really slept with Susan? Had he told her he loved her?  
  
But as cruel reality dawned, he realised. Although all those things had happened she was still with Carter.  
  
Probably spent the night in bed with him. She's probably still wrapped up in duvet with him now. Mark thought  
  
However, this was not the case. Susan had dressed as quickly as she could and left her apartment before waking Carter. She just left a note  
  
John, In a bit of a rush this morning, didn't want to wake you. Let yourself out  
whenever you want. Call you later.  
Susan  
X  
  
As Susan made her way through the streets of Chicago she was hoping the walk would clear he head.  
  
Fat chance Susan thought.  
  
Susan was in a trance as she crossed the street right in front of an on coming taxi. The driver attempted to brake but the roads were wet from rain during the night, and he hit Susan.  
  
She hit the tarmac like a rag doll. She could just about hear people shouting CALL 911, but after that everything went black, as Susan passed out.  
  
The next thing Susan knew she was still lying on her back but she could sense long corridors of light. She was in hospital.  
  
Her head was pounding and her back hurt like hell. The first words she uttered as she began to come round were  
  
"Mark? Mark are you here?"  
  
"Dr Lewis, you've been involved in an RTA. You've been unconscious for 15 minutes. Do you know where you are now?" Lydia asked  
  
"Hospital? County?" Susan answered  
  
"That's right hon, you're in safe hands now, we'll take care of you." Haleh replied  
  
"All right let's get this party started! Dr Lewis, been arguing with automobiles? That's a nasty habit. Maybe we should get you into some kind of rehab programme." Dr Romano quipped, but Susan was still to drowsy to respond  
  
"Mark. Where's Mark?" Susan asked again  
  
"Ah so you two have made up, how sweet. Shame I lost out on the sweep stake as to how long your little feud was going to last." Romano said  
  
"Dr Romano, I think you can clear Dr Lewis of needing any surgical treatment." Haleh snapped "Ok, then my work here is done." Romano said as he left  
  
"Dr Greene isn't on for another half an hour. I'll see if he's arrived." Haleh said  
  
As Haleh left the trauma room and made her way to the desk, Mark was just entering the building.  
  
"Dr Greene, Dr Lewis has been in an accident and she's asking for you. Glad you two made up." Haleh said  
  
As Mark made his way to the trauma room where Susan was, he couldn't think of what to say to her when he did see her. He was planning to talk about last night, but that plan had to be scrapped now.  
  
Guess this is just one of those times you have to shut up and not say a word, unless its needed. Mark thought  
  
"Hey you." Mark whispered  
  
Susan could only manage a weary "Hi" but she squeezed Mark's hand to let him know that she was grateful that he was here.  
  
He had been so close to killing himself just 12 hours earlier. He was still a wreck, emotionally, physically, and mentally. And he knew that as soon as Carter showed up he would be thrust out again. And that was the worst pain of all. That and being strangled by depression. 


	4. Needing, Wanting, Hurting

Chapter Four: Needing, Wanting, Hurting  
  
As Susan began to come round Mark was still by her side, still watching over her. Although she was in pain she felt safe, just like she did every time he'd given her a hug when she was having a lousy day.  
  
When Mark saw Susan open her eyes, he lifted his hand to her face and gently pushed a stray hair away from her face.  
  
Susan managed a subdued "Thank-you" before she winced in pain.  
  
"Ouch, my ribs, have I broken any?" Susan asked  
  
"No, you're just bruised, and fairly lucky I'd say. No broken bones." Mark replied  
  
"I, I didn't even see the car. Mark, I..." Susan trailed off as words failed her  
  
"Hey shhhh, I don't want you to worry about anything. You need to take it easy." Mark whispered  
  
Susan settled down in the bed. They'd moved her from a gurney onto a bed while she was sleeping. She was more comfortable there. Susan had never realised just how horrible gurneys were.  
  
"Haleh has called Carter, he's going to bring you some stuff." Mark said with a hint of regret in his voice that he hoped he had hidden.  
  
"Oh ok." Susan said as she tried to force a smile.  
  
Half an hour later Carter came into the room. He walked straight over to Susan and took her hand, just like Mark had done.  
  
Mark made his excuses and left, after all he did still have a shift to work.  
  
As he wandered the corridors, Mark felt a wave of loneliness sweep over him. No matter how many people were around him, no-one seemed to hold his attention, mainly because they didn't seem that interested in him, or what he seemed to say to them.  
  
Before he had been a figure to respect, someone everybody counted on, and although he was an attending, there were so many other great attendings as well. He just seemed to get lost amongst the crowd.  
  
The hours flew by for Mark, like a eagle caught in an up stream, the only problem being the eagle was free.  
  
Sure Mark could do what he liked, but he was trapped by his own mental torment.  
  
When his shift ended Mark went to see Susan. Carter was still there, holding her hand and talking away. She looked pretty happy to him, like she didn't need any interruptions. Just as Mark was about to turn away and go home he heard a faint voice call his name. Mark looked in through the glass, he could see Susan moving her fingers, beckoning him in.  
  
As he entered the room he was warmly greeted by both Susan and Carter.  
  
"Hey you." Mark said  
  
"Hey. I thought you'd gone home and left without coming to see me." Susan replied  
  
"Yeah, if you'd done that she would have been really pissed." Carter called  
  
"As if I'd do that. Glad to see you're doing ok. You should be able to go home tomorrow. Just take it easy. I'd better go now, leave you two to be by yourself." Mark answered  
  
As Mark left all he could think about doing was going back into that room and planting a soft kiss on Susan's lips just to show how much he wants her. But once again he was making his way home, not quite knowing where Susan stood in his life.  
  
As Mark opened the door to his apartment, he picked up his mail from the floor. Whilst sifting through the pile of bills and junk he came across a hand written envelope. It was Susan's handwriting.  
  
Mark sat on the couch and opened the letter. It was dated three days previous.  
  
"Why has it taken so long to get here?" Mark thought  
  
The letter read:  
  
Dear Mark,  
  
These past few weeks have been real hell. I'm not sure about my feelings for you right now, as I'm hurting so much. I so want to go back to being friends, y'know, best friends, always there for each other, no matter what.  
  
Now I have all these negative thoughts about you, and I hate myself for it. But you haven't even come to apologise and I don't know why. Maybe it's because you think what you said was valid, or maybe you just don't want me in your life. I don't know-things just seem so screwed up at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.  
  
I think I need some space, get away from Chicago for a while, but again, I dunno. I can't seem to decide on anything right now.  
  
I'm hoping that when you get this letter you'll realise just how much you mean to me, and how much I need you in my life. Not just needing you, wanting you. I'm hurting like you wouldn't believe.  
  
Please call me or something.  
  
Miss You, Susan, x  
  
As Mark read the letter a tear fell down his face, he needed Susan more than ever, and knowing she needed him gave his life some form of meaning.  
  
He had to see her, maybe this was fate, maybe this was the time he had to show her how much she meant to him, and that maybe, by doing this it would make her decision that little bit easier.  
  
Mark quickly showered, got changed and headed back to the hospital. When he got there he found Susan alone in her room. When she saw him she smiled that gorgeous smile that Mark just loved, that smile he just couldn't resist.  
  
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Susan asked  
  
"I got your letter today, the one you wrote three days ago. You said needed me, and I figured that right now you need me more than you did when you wrote that letter, so here I am." Mark answered.  
  
"What letter?" Susan enquired  
  
"The one you wrote a few days ago. And I figured no better time than this to tell you how I really feel, especially after last night." Mark replied  
  
"Last night? What happened last night? Oh Mark I don't remember, what's happened to me?" Susan asked  
  
"Last night I came to apologise for all those horrible things I said. I told you I love you, but you just wanted to be friends, so we agreed on that. Then about a half hour later you came over, one thing led to another and we slept together. You probably don't remember because of the stress" Mark said  
  
"But I remember that argument, I just don't remember you telling me you love me, or us sleeping together. I mean I know we must have made up at some point, I just don't know when. Please don't tell me this is some sick joke." Susan pleaded  
  
"No, Susan, I wouldn't do that to you. I love you. I knew I had to tell you last night. But right now I know that you'll be staying with Carter. Do you remember anything? Do you still have feelings for me?" Mark asked  
  
"Mark can you leave please? I'm so confused, I need some space. Can you give me that?" Susan asked  
  
"Sure, I just hope the space helps you get your memory back. I want you to remember last night because it was so wonderful. For a short while it felt like you were mine." Mark whispered as he slowly left the room, a tear burning its way down his face. 


	5. Fighting for the one you love

Chapter Five: Fighting for the one you love  
  
As Mark walked home, red hot tears scorched their way down his face. He couldn't believe that Susan didn't remember anything about last night, it had been so wonderful and now it felt like it meant nothing.  
  
But something stopped Mark from going any further. He thought if he kissed Susan maybe that would help bring her memories back.  
  
As Mark went back into Susan's room she looked surprised to see him. But before she could ask him to leave again he had placed a soft, gentle kiss on Susan's lips.  
  
As Mark opened his eyes, he looked straight into Susan's. He saw a glimmer of feeling in her eyes, but then as he turned round he saw Carter coming up the corridor.  
  
That look in her eyes was meant for him. He was the only one she could remember loving.  
  
As Carter walked in Mark could see that he uncomfortable about all the time Mark was spending with Susan. The doctors had decided to keep Susan in a little while longer because of her memory problems.  
  
"Hey you, how you feeling?" Carter asked  
  
"I'm ok, just a bit tired." Susan replied  
  
"Ok then, Mark and I will leave you alone for a while." Carter said adamantly  
  
As they left, Mark knew what was coming.  
  
"Mark, I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful for all the time you're spending with Susan, but well, something doesn't seem quite right with you two." Carter said  
  
"It's hard. She knows we made up but she doesn't remember how. And it meant a lot to me that she agreed to be friends again." Mark replied  
  
"I understand that, but I think you're crowding her, she needs her own space. This won't be easy for her, she's very distressed." Carter stated  
  
"And just because you two are sleeping together gives you the authority on who should and should not see her, and how much time we each get. How up your own ass can you get Carter?" Mark responded  
  
"We're not just sleeping together Mark. We're in love. And you're intruding right now. I know you too are friends but I don't see why you're so determined to make her remember things so quickly. You've fallen out before, and made up each time." Carter replied  
  
"Yeah but not like this time. This time was different." Mark answered  
  
"What the hell was so different about this time? It's not fair for you to try and use Susan's friendship to validate your life. So tell me right now, what's going on?" Carter snapped back  
  
"Ok Carter you really want to know?" Mark retaliated  
  
"Damn right I do!" Carter replied  
  
"I love her Carter!! That's the long and short of it, I'm crazy, madly, deeply in love with her!" Mark yelled  
  
As the words leave Marks mouth, Susan steps out of her room and hears everything, just as she is about to ask to speak to Mark, and tell him she wants to be with Carter.  
  
Hearing Mark say the words triggers Susan's memory into seeing images in her head of the time they had spent in bed together. Something inside her had jumped when she heard Mark say those words.  
  
She knew she had feelings for him, but it was the depth of them that she was unsure of.  
  
Before Mark or Carter had seen Susan she crept back into her room and they continued to argue.  
  
"But Mark, loving her is just a hopeless fantasy. She's given you no indication that she loves you too." Carter said rather bluntly  
  
"That's just the thing. She has. That was what is so different about how we made up this time. I went over to her apartment, to apologise, to tell her how I feel. To say that living my life without her being a part of it, would be a really shitty life to live. But when I told her I loved her, she said she didn't want to know. That she was in love with you but that her and I could be friends.."  
  
"See" Carter interrupted  
  
"If you'd let me finish Carter. Anyway, I left, feeling so down that she would never love me, I'd missed my chance and now all she wanted to do was be with you. However, half an hour later Susan came knocking at my door. I let her in, we talked and then we kissed." Mark continued  
  
"Then if she wanted to kiss you, why did she insist she loved me? Did anything else happen?" Carter asked in a slightly defeated manner  
  
Mark could see that telling Carter that he and Susan had slept together would just break his heart. He could see that Carter was in love with Susan, just like he was.  
  
"No, nothing else happened. She didn't say anything to you because she was confused, she knew she had feelings for us both, but she had to sort her head out, and discover which one of us she wanted to be with." Mark replied  
  
"But how do I know you're not lying and now she's lost her memory, you can fill her head with this story in the hope that's what she'll believe and decide that must have been what happened." Carter asked  
  
"Because I love her and I wouldn't deceive her like that. I respect her too much. And I wouldn't lie to you like that either. We've been friends for years Carter and we've just happened to fall for the same wonderful woman. Who can blame us. Even when she's asleep or rushing around at work, she sparkles." Mark replied  
  
"So where do we go from here? I love her, but now I also see how you feel. You talk about her with such warmth. Even when you two weren't talking there was still something there. I could sense it and it made me uneasy, but I believed she loved me." Carter's eyes were now filling with tears  
  
"She does love you Carter. That's the problem, she loved us both before this happened, but now she only loves you. She doesn't remember her feelings for me. You have to be there for her, and if he feelings for me never resurface I'll have to deal with that." Mark said also with a waver to her voice  
  
"But knowing she admitted to loving you while she was supposed to be in love with me hurts. How can I sit next to her, hold her hand and tell her I love her, even though I do." Carter asked  
  
"Because that's just the way life goes." Mark replied  
  
"And then what do I do if she suddenly remembers how she feels for you and I get left alone, pushed out?" Carter answered  
  
"Do exactly what I'll have to do if she chooses you. Deal with it." Mark replied  
  
As Mark said it turn around and walked down the corridor past Susan's room. He gave her a small wave before leaving, and as he did, he saw Carter walk into Susan's room with a smile on his face.  
  
"Good actor" Mark thought 


	6. When the world comes crumbling down

For this chapter I have used some lyrics from a song, not by my favourite artist in the world, but I felt the song was quite fitting. And no I don't own the characters or the lyrics to the song, I just want to use them to express emotion.  
  
Chapter Six: When the world comes crumbling down  
  
As Mark began walking home for the second time that night, he couldn't help but wonder how many times he would have to do it, not knowing if Susan would be his or not. Never knowing if he would get to walk home with her beside him, their fingers entwined, then when reaching home sharing the heat of their bodies while they made love.  
  
That was all Mark wanted in life. Yes, his job was important to him, but even if he lost it tomorrow he wouldn't care, if he had Susan by his side.  
  
"Big If" Mark thought  
  
They weren't the only thoughts that were occupying Mark's mind. He was finding life so hard at the moment. Just when he found out Susan loved him, she forgot it all. His love for her was all consuming, and it hurt to think that opening up and revealing all his feelings might have been for nothing.  
  
He'd heard her utter those immortal words, the ones he'd wanted to hear for months. He just wanted to hold her, be by her side and imagine their life together.  
  
Now once again he faced nothing but darkness. Not only on the streets of Chicago but also the darkness that had taken hold of his heart.  
  
Back at the hospital Carter was still sat by Susan's bedside. She was turned away from him, he presumed she was sleeping, but really the tears were building in her eyes.  
  
Hearing Mark say he was in love with her, had suddenly given her a rush of unbelievable emotion and feeling.  
  
Now she was lying awake trying to collect her thoughts together. She had been plunged into turmoil all over again.  
  
Carters mind was also spinning.  
  
Had Susan really kissed Mark? And had she really done nothing more? How could she say she loved him when she was also telling Mark?  
  
So many questions were floating around in his head and as Susan turned over his heart began to rule his head.  
  
Her eyes met his and he just couldn't help but ask her. His heart would be broken if she chose Mark, at least this way he could start to prepare.  
  
"Susan, there's something I really have to ask you," Carter said shyly "Oh ok." Susan replied  
  
"When Mark and I went outside earlier we ended up having a bit of a fight. I guess I started it really." Carter said  
  
"A fight?" Susan asked surprised  
  
"Not a physical one. More an emotional one. I asked him why he was so keen for you to get your memory back and why he's spending so much time here. At first he was just insisting it was because you two were such good friends." Carter said as Susan interrupted  
  
"Yeah. Why else would he be here? He'd do the same for you." Susan replied  
  
"I don't think he feels the same about me as he does about you Susan." Carter continued  
  
"I don't know what you mean." Susan lied  
  
"Don't play me for the fool Susan. He told me how you two kissed and how you told him you loved him, that you loved us both but didn't know which one of us to choose. Is it true? Did you say all that? Was the memory loss just a way of buying yourself more time?" Carter asked  
  
"No! I genuinely couldn't remember anything about what Mark was telling me. Then I stepped out of my room just as I heard him tell you he loved me. And all of a sudden it came flooding back. Not just little bits at a time, it all hit me at once. I remembered him coming over to my apartment, apologising, and then confessing he loved me. I remembered turning him away, then running through the streets of Chicago, knocking on his door and as I saw his face appear, just kissing him. I can't deny I love him, but I also couldn't deny to him that I loved you. I just don't know what to do." Susan said emotionally  
  
"I've loved Mark for longer than I can remember, I was in love with him for a long time. Then you and I got together and I was happy, I realised Mark wasn't the only man I could fall in love with. Then him and I had that fight, I missed him in my life more than I care to admit, and I knew all those feelings hadn't gone away. And then, when he didn't apologise I started to get over those feelings and realised that I was falling in love with you. Then that night, there was a knock at my door, I thought it would be you, but it wasn't midnight. As I opened the door I saw Mark in the doorway, and to be honest he was the last person I wanted to see. But he asked for a chance to explain and so I let him. When he finished I knew that he was genuinely sorry, he was almost crying for Christ's sake. But when he said he loved me I asked him to go. I just didn't know how to deal with what he was saying." Susan began to cry as she finished speaking  
  
"So that night when you seemed distant and just wanted to sleep, not make love or anything. That was why? Susan, I want to know, what else happened that night?" Carter enquired  
  
"Ok, I'm telling you this to try and show how much I respect you, and to stop the lies. Mark and I did sleep together that night. It was the only time that it happened, but it felt special. I'm so sorry, I didn't plan this and I didn't see it coming. When I went over to Mark's both our emotions were so heightened and the adrenaline was rushing through our blood. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm sorry." Susan cried  
  
"Mark told me nothing else happened, guess he was trying to prevent me getting hurt. But why are you sorry, you love him." Carter said  
  
"I love you too, I don't know what to do." Susan continued to weep  
  
"Then I'd better give you some time alone to think." Carter said as he left.  
  
As the door shut in Susan's room she was alone. As Mark opened his apartment door, he was alone too.  
  
He had stopped off at a bar on the way home to drown his sorrows. It now wasn't just his heart that was black it was his mind too. He hated his life, nothing was going right.  
  
How could he compete with Carter. He had the looks, the personality, the money.  
  
What did Mark have? The door mat personality, receding hair line, a small dark apartment.  
  
"Yeah I'm the catch of the day" Mark thought  
  
As Mark sat down on the couch, he picked up a pad of paper and a pen, and began to write.  
  
Dear Susan,  
  
When the world comes crumbling down, no-one knows what to do.  
  
And now every time I try to fly, I fall without my wings, you're my wings Susan, always will be. I feel so small, I guess I need you more than I tell you. And every time I see you in my dreams, I see your face it's haunting me.  
  
I make believe that you are here in the darkness of my apartment I see an image of you. It's the only way that I can see clear  
  
At night I pray that soon your face will fade away, but then I wish you would notice me, take my hand, why are we strangers when our love is strong?  
  
Why should I carry on without you?  
  
I love you, more than you will ever know.  
  
Mark, xx 


	7. When there's nowhere else to turn

Chapter Seven: When there's nowhere else to turn  
  
As Mark lined up the aspirin and poured the whisky for the second time in just a few days, he sat and thought.  
  
Ten years ago this was not what he would have imagined his life to be like. He assumed that he and Jen would have another child, a little brother or sister for Rachel, but hopefully still being in Chicago where he was surrounded by friends.  
  
He'd hoped to be enjoying his life, not sat alone in a dark apartment pining for the woman he loved. But that had changed as well. At one point the only woman he had ever loved was Jen, but that finished, and she remarried. Now the woman he loved was Susan. The one who stuck by him through all his troubles with Jen, listened to him whinge and curse, but never once judged him.  
  
As he swallowed the first aspirin he flinched, not really knowing what he was doing, but thinking that this was the only way out.  
  
With a swig of whisky the second, third, fourth, and fifth pills went down quite easily. Mark was starting to feel queasy. He couldn't see very well, mainly because he'd taken his glasses off, but this was a drunken, suicide haze.  
  
Back at the hospital Susan was slowly starting to make her mind up. When she and Carter had gotten together she was just desperate for someone to take her mind off Mark. Someone to help her forget how in love with him she was, even though they had fallen out.  
  
Carter was great for that. He showered her with kisses, hugs and the attention she craved after remaining single for so long, waiting for Mark. The sex wasn't great but it was something that she knew they could work at, she just had to show Carter a few things she liked.  
  
But now that wasn't enough. All the memories from her night with Mark had come back to her. She remembered every kiss, and how every time he touched her skin she sighed, knowing how right being with him felt. As she lay in her hospital bed for the last night before he discharge the next day she made up her mind. It had to be Mark.  
  
She had known him for years. They had shared every possible emotion, experience and joke. As Doug put it, they were 'The Mutt and Jeff of Emergency medicine.'  
  
Little did she know Mark was slowly sinking into an alcohol and drug induced coma.  
  
He counted the spaces missing in the packet. He was up to eleven now, and the bottle of whisky was half empty.  
  
'Typical' Mark thought.  
  
He didn't have any cash to by some more whisky so he'd just make the most of what he had left. So with the remaining half a bottle of whisky, Mark finished off the last five pills in the packet of aspirin.  
  
Across the other side of Chicago, Carter sat by the pool at the family home. He remembered sitting here all those years ago as a med student, thinking about Susan. Now he was sat here thinking about her again, and somehow he knew Mark would be thinking about her too.  
  
Carter got up and grabbed the keys to his car. The only person that he knew he could talk to was Mark.  
  
Twenty minutes later Carter reached Mark's apartment. He banged on the door but nobody answered. Carter knew Mark wasn't working and he could see from outside that a small light was on. He wondered why Mark wasn't coming to the door.  
  
He tried calling Mark's cell phone but it was switched off.  
  
'That's' strange. Mark never turns his phone off.' Carter thought.  
  
Inside Mark was becoming increasingly drowsy, and he could feel his heart and breathing rate increase. He knew these were serious symptoms of an aspirin overdose and that this was the stage that he should seek emergency medical attention. But right now he didn't care, he had given up on hoping for anything in his life.  
  
Carter was outside and beginning to worry about Mark. He knew his friend was the other side of that door, but why he wasn't answering he didn't know.  
  
Eventually Carter decided that he had to do something. He banged hard on the door for the last time, but Mark didn't answer.  
  
Carter started to kick at the door until it swung open. He wasn't ready for what faced him. Mark was slumped over his kitchen table a small glass had been knocked over and the contains spilt onto the floor.  
  
Carter shook Mark and shouted in his ear.  
  
"Mark! It's Carter. Mark, come on wake up!" Carter yelled  
  
Mark just rolled his head lightly and let out a small groan.  
  
It was when he tried to lift Mark's head when he noticed the empty whisky bottle and a whole sheet of aspirin that had been consumed.  
  
"Oh god!" Carter exclaimed as he reached for his Cell phone and dialled 911.  
  
When the operator picked up Carter relayed all the information he could, and made sure that they knew how serious this was.  
  
A mere 8 minutes later the paramedics arrived, Carter called down the stair well to them. He recognised them, they came into County all the time with junkies, gang bangers and other undesirables. But Mark wasn't one of these, he was just a very lonely guy.  
  
As they strapped monitors to Mark, Carter could see his heart was racing but his blood pressure was falling, with his diastolic down to only 50. Mark was sweating profusely, and Carter knew he was in serious trouble if they didn't get him to County soon.  
  
Ten minutes later Carter crashed into the ER with the gurney that Mark was lying on. He screamed at the staff for help. Doctor's Kovac and Weaver came running over, along with Haleh and Lydia.  
  
"Carter I thought you were off....Oh my god!' Kerry exclaimed as she saw just who was strapped to the gurney.  
  
Carter started reeling off Marks vitals, they were not looking good. As they rolled the gurney into trauma one and transferred Mark he began to vomit.  
  
"Roll him!" Kovac shouted  
  
"We're going to have to intubate him to protect his airway." Kerry said "7.5 ET tube."  
  
As Carter watched them work on Mark he saw a piece of screwed up paper sticking out of Mark's pocket. He reached over an grabbed it. As he read it he began to cry, he realised that Mark had tried to kill himself because he couldn't be with Susan.  
  
As Dr Kovac treated Mark with IV fluids and active charcoal, Carter slowly walked out of the doors and decided he had to tell Susan to choose Mark. She had to realise how much Mark loved her, and how much he would need her if he made it.  
  
Carter hated to think his friend may not make it. Mark had been a mentor to Carter, someone to look up to. Although he was angry at him for sleeping with Susan, he knew he didn't do it out of spite, but that he truly loved her. And Carter wasn't going to be someone to stand in the way of that. 


	8. Let's just hope

Chapter Eight: Let's just hope  
  
As Susan lay in her hospital bed for the last few hours of her stay at County, she heard footsteps coming along the corridor. She was hoping that in a few seconds Mark would pop his head around the door and smile at her.  
  
But instead it was Carter who walked in. Susan wasn't disappointed to see him, but she had rather that it had been Mark.  
  
However, Carter was looking far from his usual self. He looked like he had been crying. He greeted her with a simple 'Hey'  
  
"Hey Carter. What's up?" Susan asked  
  
"Susan, I have to talk to you. Something's happened." Carter replied  
  
Susan's face fell, she instinctively knew it was about Mark.  
  
"Carter, what's wrong?" Susan asked desperately  
  
"It's Mark. He's downstairs." Carter said  
  
"In the ER?!" Susan asked  
  
"Yeah. I went round to his apartment to chat. I was feeling down about things, and I knew he'd understand. When I got there, I could see he was in, but when I knocked on the door he didn't answer. I got worried when after ten minutes I didn't get a response. So I kicked the door in, and that's when I found him." Carter trailed off  
  
"Found him how?" Susan begged  
  
"He was barely conscious. I shook him to try and get him to come round, and when I did I noticed an empty bottle of whisky, and an empty packet of 16 aspirin. He took an overdose Susan, he tried to kill himself. When we got here I found this in his pocket. I think you should read it." Carter said as he handed the note to Susan  
  
As she read it, she began to cry, the tears burning her cheeks. She had done this to him. It was all because of her that he was lying unconscious in the ER. During that moment, she realised she had never been in love with someone as intensely as she was in love with Mark.  
  
She turned to Carter, trying to stem the flow of tears.  
  
"There's something I have to do." Susan said quietly  
  
"I think I know." Carter replied sadly, but knowing that Mark needed her more than he did.  
  
"It's not that I didn't love you John. I did, but it wasn't strong enough to stop me thinking of him. He's the one I want to be with, it's always been that way. I'm sorry, I enjoyed being with you, I really did, but I think we worked better as friends." Susan tried reassuring Carter.  
  
"I know, and it's ok, I understand. You're going to be a hard person to get over Susan Lewis. But I'm not angry at you for anything, I don't blame you for anything, I can't stand in the way of love. It would be selfish of me to make you stay, not that I think I could. You need to go and see him. If there's an ounce left of fight in him, it will carry him through if he hears your voice." Carter replied  
  
Instead of waiting to be discharged Susan signed herself out AMA. It wasn't like she was supposed to be in there much longer anyway. She followed Carter downstairs into the ER. He stopped her at the doors of trauma one. He knew she had seen hundreds of overdose cases, but this one was different. This was Mark.  
  
"You know he's going to have an ET tube in, until they can establish if he can breath on his own. And he's sedated, got charcoal stains around his mouth. Basically he doesn't look good." Carter was honest with Susan, lying had already caused too much pain.  
  
"I know what to expect" Susan answered  
  
Susan tentatively walked through the doors of trauma one. As soon as she saw Mark she began to cry. She pulled up a stool, sat beside him and took his hand.  
  
"Why did you do this Mark? This was the stupidest, most selfish thing you could have done. I didn't have you down as a selfish person. You won't just ruin your life by doing this, it will affect so many people, especially if you don't pull through. Rachel, Jenn, Carter, everyone who worked on you, and me. So you'd better pull through, or you're going to have a lot of people pissed at you." Susan said, partly angry, partly joking, and partly choking back the tears.  
  
But she couldn't do it. The tears began to flow again. Like red hot rivers flowing down the contours of her face. As soon as she wiped them away, a new one raced down her cheek.  
  
This time she leant in closer to Mark, but instead of shouting at him angrily she brushed her hand softly over his face and whispered,  
  
"Mark, I need you to come through this. When I was upstairs in my bed earlier, I was thinking about you, and I realised that I'd spent most of my time thinking about you. It's always been you, for years you've been the only person I've wanted to wake up next to. The only person who's arms I've wanted to have embrace me, and who's kiss I've wanted to feel on my lips. And now, because I was so stupid, made you wait and worry, I might never have that chance." Susan sobbed  
  
As she cried harder and leant her head on Mark's chest and hand touched her on the shoulder. She looked up to see Carter, his eyes pricked with tears.  
  
"I don't want to lose him John." Susan cried  
  
"I know. When I found him, any selfish anger I had just disappeared, and I realised. You two didn't sleep together just for the hell of it. You made love because you love each other. You've both been my friends for years, you helped me when I was down, bailed me out when I made mistakes. And now I'm going to be here for you both, as a friend. We can help him get through this Susan." Carter said trying to reassure Susan.  
  
"I hope so. I just don't want him to die thinking I don't care." Susan answered.  
  
"He'll know now, remember, he can still hear."  
  
Just as Carter finished speaking Mark's hand twitched. Susan looked at Carter.  
  
"Do you think he's waking up?" She asked  
  
"Let's just hope." Carter replied. 


	9. Coming back to the light

**Chapter Nine: Coming back to the light**

As Susan sat by Mark's beside for the second day in a row, she felt her eyes becoming heavy. She had barely left the hospital since Mark had been admitted, she felt responsible for him lying in that hospital bed.

It had been thirty-six hours since Mark had moved his hand, but he was breathing on his own, so that was a positive. But all the waiting to see if Mark would actually wake up was almost too much to bear.

Carter had come in every now and again so Susan could get some sleep. But he felt uneasy being there. It was so hard to see someone he had idolised unconscious, with no definite prognosis. He might wake up, he might not. That was all that could be said.

As Susan returned from getting what seemed like her hundredth cup of coffee, she saw a change in Mark. His eyes were flickering and he was trying to tug at his I.V. Susan hurriedly rushed back to Mark's side, where she gently took his hand.

"I don't think you should be doing that." Susan said softly.

Mark slowly opened his eyes to focus on the figure that was talking so kindly to him.

"Susan?" Mark asked.

"Hey you. How you feeling?" Susan replied.

"I've been better. I feel really sleepy." Mark replied.

"Ok, well I'll leave you and let you get some rest." Susan answered quietly as she stroked Mark's head.

As Susan stood up to walk out of the door, she saw Mark slowly closing his eyes, and within minutes he was fast asleep.

As she walked out of ICU, Susan let a tear escape down her face. She was just so glad that Mark had woken up. She knew he had a long road ahead of him, but she knew that he could make it. Mark was strong, attempting suicide was just a moment of weakness. One that Susan was certain he wasn't going to experience again.

Susan needed sleep, so she headed downstairs to the lounge. The ER was quiet for once, and she wanted to stay near to where Mark was. She settled down on the couch and pulled a blanket over her.

She immediately fell asleep, and when she was woken up two and a half hours later, it was dark out side. Carter was shaking her awake.

"Hey Susan, Mark's awake. ICU called down and asked if you were still here. So I said I'd send you up." Carter said.

"Oh yeah. Thanks Carter. Hey, you ok?" Susan answered

"I'm fine Susan. Tell Mark I'll be up later ok? I gotta finish my shift before Kerry will allow me any kind of break."

Carter smiled as he helped a sleepy Susan up off the couch. It felt good to be touching her skin, and taking in the smell of her hair. But Carter couldn't allow himself to get carried away.

Even if her and Mark weren't together now, they soon would be.

Susan grabbed a coffee on the way up to ICU. It felt good to finally get some sleep, but she was still tired.

Susan carefully opened the door to Mark's room. She smiled when she saw Mark sat up in bed. He had the Bears game on TV but didn't look like he was really watching it.

"Hey." Susan said.

"Hey. Where's Carter?" Mark asked.

"He's working, he'll be in later." Susan answered.

"To take you home?" Mark asked sadly.

"No, we broke up." Susan replied.

"Really?" Mark asked surprised.

"Yeah. I was going to come and see you when I got out of this place. But then you were brought in here, and I just had to hope and pray you woke up. You had everyone scared, especially me. I didn't think I'd get the chance to tell you how I feel. But now you need time to recover. Get some therapy, but know that I'll be right here waiting." Susan responded.

"You're all the therapy I need." Mark answered.

"I'm serious Mark. What you did almost killed you. You need to see someone, they'll be admitting you to psyche soon, and I don't think it's fair of me to ask you to devote your energies to starting a relationship just yet." Susan said.

"You're still in love with Carter." Mark replied.

"No. I'm just doing what's best for you." Susan answered.

"I just didn't know what else to do. I had no-one to talk to." Mark sobbed.

"You could've come to me." Susan said.

"You and I both know that's not true." Mark responded.

"I'm sorry I made you feel so miserable. I should've chosen you the minute you showed up and told me you loved me." Susan replied.

"No, you needed time to think. I'd hurt you." Mark answered back.

"Not as badly as I've hurt you. Making you want to take your life because you were so unhappy is something I will never forgive myself for." Susan sobbed.

As the tears started to fall down Susan's face, Mark squeezed her hand.

"It wasn't all to do with you. And hey, if anyone should be crying it's me. I have to eat hospital food cooked by sweaty Betty in the hospital kitchen."

Susan smiled as Mark joked with her. But she hoped that he still wasn't trying to mask a horrible pain inside him.

"Mark, just promise me, that if you're ever feeling as bad as you have been recently, that you'll talk to me." Susan's tears slowly began to subside.

"I promise." Mark replied.


	10. Together

**Chapter Ten: Together**

Mark had now been released from the Psyche ward. He'd hated it in there, but he knew they had to hold him, because he had proved a danger to himself by attempting suicide.

Even though people from the ER came to see him, and they were being supportive, he still felt embarrassed, and slightly humiliated by having his name up on the board in Psyche.

He was only allowed visits in ten minute slots three times a day. Susan had told him that she wasn't going to come and see him until the day he was being discharged. She was insistent that he needed to do this on his own, but that she would be there as soon as he was allowed to come home.

And she kept to her word. When psyche called down to the ER to tell Susan, Mark was being discharged, she told Kerry she was taking the rest of the day off. Surprisingly, Kerry understood, and drafted Carter in to cover.

Susan could tell that Carter was still pining after her, and although she felt guilty that he was the one hurting now, she knew that he'd get over it. Mark was the one she was meant to be with.

Normally Susan wasn't a great believer in fate or destiny, that stuff always happened to other people, but something about Mark made her want to believe in all those things.

Despite everything that had happened to the both of them, they were still here to tell the tale, and possibly fall in love. Although Susan knew that might take some work.

As Susan appeared at the doors to the psyche ward, she saw Mark walking down the hall. He looked rested, and more a peace with the world. He smiled as he saw her, and she smiled back.

As the doors opened, Susan approached Mark and wrapped her arms around him. She wasn't the needy type, but something inside her wanted to be close to him at that moment. Before she knew it, a tear had escaped from her eye, and before she had chance to wipe it away, Mark had spotted it.

'Hey, why the tears. I'm ok now. I'm still going to see a therapist a couple of times a month, but being in here has made me appreciate my life so much more. I know down in the ER we see people who are worse off than ourselves, but something about being a patient in a psyche ward is different. There are people with real problems, people who's own minds are destroying them. And now I'm ready to open the book of my life and start a new chapter. Are you willing to start it with me?' Mark asked.

All that could escape from Susan's mouth was a quiet 'Yes' as she leaned in to kiss Mark. Their first real kiss since all this had happened.

As they parted, Mark wiped the tear from Susan's eye that had made it's way down her face.

'Aren't you working today? They said up here that they had to call downstairs to find you.' Mark inquired.

'I've taken the rest of the day off to be with you.' Susan answered.

'And Kerry's ok with that?' Mark asked.

'She kinda had to be. I was going to take it off if she let me or not.' Susan replied

'Well I'm glad you have. I missed you, but it did give me some time to think. You were right when you said we should take things slowly. I'm pretty certain that I know pretty much all there is to know about you, and vice versa. But I don't want to rush this, I don't want to screw anything up. And I know there's a pretty large chance I'll find myself falling more deeply in love with you than I already am, but I want to do all the proper coupely things first. The dates, the first kisses, the mornings lying in bed together talking.' Mark said

Everything Mark had just described was Susan's idea of perfection.

'There's nothing I'd like more.' Susan replied as Mark reached for her hand.

As they left the hospital, Mark pulled Susan into a side hug, kissing her head as he did so. He knew she was still upset about everything that had happened. But if Mark had made his peace with things, hopefully she would too.

Mark and Susan walked back to Mark's apartment. He hadn't been there since the night he attempted suicide. But during the time Mark had been in hospital, Susan had someone round to fix the door, and she had also tidied up, throwing the empty whisky bottle and packet of aspirin into the trash outside.

As Mark opened the door, he looked a little shocked. Susan noticed his reaction.

'What's wrong?' She asked caringly.

'Nothing. It's just the last time I was here things looked a little different. But I gotta say they look better now.' Mark replied.

'Well I did come in and tidy up a bit. I hope you don't mind. And I got the door fixed.' Susan answered.

'Why did the door need fixing?' Mark asked. Obviously some parts of his memory were still a little hazy.

'When you didn't answer the door, Carter kicked it in. It was the only way he could get to you.' Susan answered.

'Oh, well lucky he did, huh?' Mark replied.

'Yeah. So are you hungry, anything you want to do today?' Susan asked.

'I want to take you out to lunch. Have our first proper date. Would you like that?' Mark asked.

'Yeah I would. Am I allowed to go home and change first?' Susan inquired.

'Why do you need to change, you look gorgeous as it is.' Mark answered.

'Ok, guess I can't argue with being called gorgeous.' Susan smiled.

'Well I do need to go and change. My clothes aren't as clean as yours me thinks.' Mark said as he disappeared into the bedroom.

Susan wanted to follow him, but she knew that wouldn't constitute to taking it slowly. Mark needed time, she understood that. If he were suggest it, she wouldn't deny him, but it wouldn't be right for her to rush him.

Ten minutes later, Mark appeared from the bedroom.

'Ok, ready to go?' Mark asked.

'Yeah sure. So where are you taking me?' Susan asked.

'Ah that's a surprise.' Mark said with a smile.

As they left Mark's apartment, Susan took Mark's hand. Not wanting to be out of contact with him for too long.

And as they walked hand in hand down the street, they were how they were meant to be. Together.

I'm thinking of drawing this fic to a close soon, so I leave it open to suggestion about what I should do. As ever please r n r. I like to know what people think, and always welcome criticism, as long as it is creative.


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